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| Nov 5th 2011 |
I've been searching for a job, spending time with my family, going to the gym, and really putting in some quality drinking time with my girls. I'm trying to read this book called "The Shack" that a good friend in Germany gave me before I left, but I can't bring myself to stick with it. She said it really helped her after her divorce because it teaches you about forgiveness. The problem I'm having is, I'm not ready to feel forgiving. Screw it, it'll come in its own time. I know God wants me to forgive and I am fighting Him too; I'm just not ready to forgive Matt or myself right now. This is only causing stress in my own life, I know this. I don't sleep well and I can't figure out what my next move is going to be as far as my future. I have zero faith in marriage and I don't trust men...don't care. This is who I am today, not necessarily who I'll be tomorrow. I know one day I'll be in a forgiving mood but I have to conquer my own stubbornness first.
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| Kristen, Ena, Me, Shari (Dec 31, 2011) |
On the positive side, I'm ready to go back to church and find a new church home. I think I'll start this Sunday. I only hope I can make it through service without crying. I don't know when I stopped seeking answers from the one who will never let me down, but I'm ready to put my life back in the right hands and find my truth north again. As my BFFITWWW says, "Let your light shine."
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| Me with Laura (Nov 2011) in Germany |
If it weren't for my amazing family and my crazy ass girlfriends who I consider my sisters, I would be worse off than I am right now. I wouldn't get out of bed and I wouldn't eat...actually that doesn't sound too bad ;P I love that I have a close group of sexy ladies who are just as "messed up" as I am. They make me feel "normal" when we get together and talk about drama. It doesn't matter who you are, you have drama. It just matters how you deal with it and who you let it affect.
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| Me, Ena, Kayda (Jan 2012) |
I'm so thankful for the way I've been handling myself since I left Germany, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I truly love myself and I don't want to be someone who I won't like in a month or two. This is probably the most "real" I've ever been in my life. I am honest with everyone I talk to, and I am really "there" for my friends in a way that I've not been able to be before. I may be without someone to sleep with at night, but I am not without true friends to laugh with and strong shoulders to lean on; this is what makes life worth living.
Liebe,
Mandy
