Thank God for Girlfriends

I haven't really been in much of a writing mood lately but I decided to chime in at least once before January comes to a close.

Nov 5th 2011

I've been searching for a job, spending time with my family, going to the gym, and really putting in some quality drinking time with my girls. I'm trying to read this book called "The Shack" that a good friend in Germany gave me before I left, but I can't bring myself to stick with it. She said it really helped her after her divorce because it teaches you about forgiveness. The problem I'm having is, I'm not ready to feel forgiving. Screw it, it'll come in its own time. I know God wants me to forgive and I am fighting Him too; I'm just not ready to forgive Matt or myself right now. This is only causing stress in my own life, I know this. I don't sleep well and I can't figure out what my next move is going to be as far as my future. I have zero faith in marriage and I don't trust men...don't care. This is who I am today, not necessarily who I'll be tomorrow. I know one day I'll be in a forgiving mood but I have to conquer my own stubbornness first.

Kristen, Ena, Me, Shari (Dec 31, 2011)

On the positive side, I'm ready to go back to church and find a new church home. I think I'll start this Sunday. I only hope I can make it through service without crying. I don't know when I stopped seeking answers from the one who will never let me down, but I'm ready to put my life back in the right hands and find my truth north again. As my BFFITWWW says, "Let your light shine."

Me with Laura (Nov 2011) in Germany

If it weren't for my amazing family and my crazy ass girlfriends who I consider my sisters, I would be worse off than I am right now. I wouldn't get out of bed and I wouldn't eat...actually that doesn't sound too bad ;P I love that I have a close group of sexy ladies who are just as "messed up" as I am. They make me feel "normal" when we get together and talk about drama. It doesn't matter who you are, you have drama. It just matters how you deal with it and who you let it affect.

Me, Ena, Kayda (Jan 2012)

I'm so thankful for the way I've been handling myself since I left Germany, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I truly love myself and I don't want to be someone who I won't like in a month or two. This is probably the most "real" I've ever been in my life. I am honest with everyone I talk to, and I am really "there" for my friends in a way that I've not been able to be before. I may be without someone to sleep with at night, but I am not without true friends to laugh with and strong shoulders to lean on; this is what makes life worth living.


Liebe,
Mandy

“The truth is you don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. Life is a crazy ride, and nothing is guaranteed.”

So after being together for five years and married for three...my husband wants a divorce. My entire life is about to be flipped upside down and I have no control over the roller coaster ride I've just been put on. I'm devastated; I don't know what to think or feel most of the time.

Our Recessional Song

I'll be moving back to North Carolina and staying with my parents for a while but this is just nuts. I NEVER expected to kiss another man in my life after Matt. I love him and I wish I could "fix" us, or change his mind but we've tried everything: talking to each other over and over again, marriage counseling (two different times), and of course he's talked to several "friends" who have given him (wonderful) advice on what to do. Apparently, I'm just not making him happy, and according to him it's been for about a year now...or longer depending on his mood when he talks about it. I'm seeing my own "professionals" now, and working on making myself happy most of the time...it's not easy. I loved being his wife and I loved being married to him. I had no idea he was thinking about divorce until July when he mentioned something about me living life as though I could never lose him...wtf???

I guess the details of his decision are really nobody's business, unfortunately they don't even make sense to me so fuck it...you can think whatever you want. There are three sides to every story, right? As far as I know, nobody cheated, and there was no 'physical' abuse...

I've already lost several people whom I thought were my friends; I'm sure there will be more drama to come. We will be legally separated for one year at the least once we get paperwork started (he decided to take leave for 3 weeks just before a holiday and then when he gets home, asks me when I'm getting out of here.) At that point in time we are legally eligible for a divorce...or things could all fall back into "Happily Ever After." NOT BLOODY LIKELY! Or we could be separated until death...the thought crosses my mind from time to time since I'm a Christian, I don't believe in divorce.

At least I look hot ;P

I am finding it very difficult to trust people these days...anyone else? P.S. If you are not my true friend, please stay out of my drama...we all have enough of our own and I really just need my real friends right now. Some of you who have been, and/or are going through what I'm going through know what I mean.

Trust
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Our Wedding Song 09-20-2008

I feel like the last five years of my life was all for nothing, I was a happily married woman who was on a journey through life with her best friend, the man of her dreams. WOW, was I wrong!



FML,
Mandy

A lyrical Tribute to my current state

Over the past few months (or years according to him) my husband and I have been unable to make things "right." I know I am not without blame but I've begged and I've pleaded for another chance, I've cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I love him so much but he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and there is nothing else I can do to make him stay.

I'm not going to air my dirty laundry but I wanted to post some songs that seem to fit my mood and situation depending on the moment these days.

Going to the gym and spending time with Brady, our Poodle make me the happiest and almost help me to forget my entire life is crashing down around me.

So for now, so ist mein Scheiße leben!


Liebe,
Mandy

Becoming Pet Owners

I may be the worlds most allergic-to-animals person on the planet, but when I first looked into the tiny brown eyes of a Poodle named Brady, I was smitten.

Brady Lyman

Because my husband grew up with more pets than I could even count, he has been trying to get me to agree to getting a pet since we met. My darling husband likes cats about as much as Angela from the hit TV show, The Office which is a major turn off to me because I would rather have a pet poisonous spider or a rabid monkey than a cat.

I am so allergic to cats that even the sight of them turns my stomach...weird, huh? They make me sneeze if I get too close and if I am around them for more than five minutes, I start to itch and my eyes water so bad that I can no longer see out of them. I am allergic to dogs, rabbits and hamsters too, but cats are my kryptonite.

First bath

I've done enough research to know that there are several breeds of dogs that I would most likely be able to one day own without worrying about having an allergic reaction. We have talked about getting an Airedale Terrier in the past but we agreed that our current home was way too small and since we don't have a yard, our poor dog wouldn't get the exercise he needed. It looked like we would have to wait until we moved back to the states and had a house before we got a dog.

All clean!

Then our friend Chelle posted a message on Facebook about her frustration with a Toy Poodle that was driving her and their tiny Yorkie crazy. She and her husband Keith were originally only supposed to watch Brady for a few months until his owners received orders back to Germany. The Marine Corps doesn't always work out the way we "plan" and so they were not going to be coming back to Germany after all, leaving Brady with the Granberry's for good. The Granberry's loved Brady but they already had a small dog named Cooper who was constantly having to compete with Brady for attention.

Exploring Germany

Matt messaged Chelle and said, "we want Brady!" Since I knew I wouldn't be allergic to him, we decided to go meet him one day. The rest is history in the making; that little dog is our baby and we love him to pieces!

Brady just turned two on June 25th, also Matt's birthday. He is an Apricot, Toy Poodle and we are his fifth family (four of which have been Marine Corps!)...we will be his last!

Liebe,
Mandy

Jam packed weekend

Written: Tuesday, May 24th

I'm happy that I was able to go home this past weekend but for crying out loud, it's been quite a whirlwind since last Friday. First, Matt picked me up with Brady, our new Toy Poodle who is just the cutest little guy and the three of us went over to our friend's house, the Granberry's. Chelle made an amazing dinner and I got to meet our friend Dane's Mom, Leona who was visiting from Washington State. We got home kind of late but Matt had some laundry to do because he needed to pack for his upcoming TAD trip on Monday. He'll be gone for five weeks, visiting three-four different countries. Poor thing, his ECU classes started back up this past week so he won't have much free time.

Brady and his Pluto

On Saturday, I met up with Chelle, Charece, Jenny, Leona, and April to shop at the Flea Market on Panzer. We had a lot of fun and I found a few great bargains. Matt ran some errands while I was shopping and when we met back up we headed over to the Commissary, Shoppette, and then Breuningerland for some cigars before heading over to our friend Warren's house for a cookout. Warren will be moving back to the states soon so we wanted to see him before he left. He grilled some beef while I sliced strawberries & watermellon. I also brought over chicken drum sticks which I marinated in this delicious Caribbean Jerk, and some potatoes for the grill. Our dinner was so yummy, I love grilling! It even rained and hailed on us while we were in the middle of grilling but we didn't care. It was after 9:00 by the time we left and Matt made plans with our friend Jocelyn to catch a ride with her in the morning to Ramstein so he could make his 3:00pm flight.

Cullen, Warren, Matt

I was not a happy camper, all I wanted was some time alone with my husband before he left for five weeks and I really didn't get it at all this weekend! When Sunday night rolled around I was so depressed and to top it off I had to change my own bandages so I could shower and I had to carry all my stuff down four stories with a scared dog who didn't want to leave. If you've ever tried to put a bandage on your lower back using a mirror, you know, it's not easy! 

I dropped Brady off at Chelle's and we chatted for a while before I drove back to Bad Urach. It started raining and that's when I remembered how bad the windshield wiper blades are on my car, and then I ran out of washer fluid. When I arrived at my rehab facility it was 9:30 but nobody was at the reception desk. I took my bags to my room and then tried to park my car in the garage but it wouldn't let me in so I had to park up the hill in a four hour parking zone and just prayed I wouldn't get a ticket.

Sometimes life sucks; so you go to bed, pray you get another shot at it in the morning, and thank God when you wake up. It could always be worse. I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes the negatives just stand out so much more.

Liebe,
Mandy

Compulsive Eating is often caused by a lack of sex...

This is an excerpt from my HCG diet "manual" and is very interesting. It makes sense if you think about it...overweight women are more likely to eat compulsively, maybe it's because they aren't having enough sex. What if they are married and their husbands no longer act attracted to them? I'm not saying it's an excuse but if a woman is already overweight and she isn't getting "any" she is more likely to turn to food for "comfort" or "love." It sounds spot on to me!

Compulsive Eating 

No end of injustice is done to obese patients by accusing them of compulsive eating, which is a form of diverted sex-gratification. Most obese patients do not suffer from compulsive eating; they suffer genuine hunger - real, gnawing, torturing hunger - which has nothing whatever to do with compulsive eating. Even their sudden desire for sweets is merely the result of the experience that sweets, pastries and alcohol will most rapidly of all foods allay the pangs of hunger. This has nothing to do with diverted instincts. 

On the other hand, compulsive eating does occur in some obese patients, particularly in girls in their late teens or early twenties. Compulsive eating differs fundamentally from the obese patient’s greater need for food. It comes on in attacks and is never associated with real hunger, a fact which is readily admitted by the patients. They only feel a feral desire to stuff. Two pounds of chocolates may be devoured in a few minutes; cold, greasy food from the refrigerator, stale bread, leftovers on stacked plates, almost anything edible is crammed down with terrifying speed and ferocity. 

I have occasionally been able to watch such an attack without the patient's knowledge, and it is a frightening, ugly spectacle to behold, even if one does realize that mechanisms entirely beyond the patient's control are at work. A careful inquiry into what may have brought on such an attack almost invariably reveals that it is preceded by a strong unresolved sexstimulation, the higher centers of the brain having blocked primitive diencephalic instinct gratification. The pressure is then let off through another primitive channel, which is oral gratification. In my experience the only thing that will cure this condition is uninhibited sex, a therapeutic procedure which is hardly ever feasible, for if it were, the patient would have adopted it without professional prompting, nor would this in any way correct the associated obesity. It would only raise new and often greater problems if used as a therapeutic measure. 

Patients suffering from real compulsive eating are comparatively rare. In my practice they constitute about 1-2%. Treating them for obesity is a heartrending job. They do perfectly well between attacks, but a single bout occurring while under treatment may annul several weeks of therapy. Little wonder that such patients become discouraged. In these cases I have found that psychotherapy may make the patient fully understand the mechanism, but it does nothing to stop it. Perhaps society's growing sexual permissiveness will make compulsive eating even rarer. 

Whether a patient is really suffering from compulsive eating or not is hard to decide before treatment because many obese patients think that their desire for food - to them unmotivated - is due to compulsive eating, while all the time it is merely a greater need for food. The only way to find out is to treat such patients. Those that suffer from real compulsive eating continue to have such attacks, while those who are not compulsive eaters never get an attack during treatment.

I'm no doctor but it sounds like we should all be getting it on regularly!

Liebe,

Mandy

One week down, two more to go

It’s been almost three weeks now since my surgery and I definitely feel better, not healed completely, but much better! I even drove my car yesterday for the first time! Only 19 days post op!!

Reception desk

I live in "Klinik 2"

Floor "E" lounge area

I survived my first week in this German rehab facility and I’m so thankful that I get to go home on the weekends; I doubt it would be as easy if I had to stay here the whole three weeks. Although, my girlfriends were going to come visit me it that was the case and we would have had a blast. 

My room is on the other side

This way to the Cafe

Outside seating for Cafe

Small Shop/Cafe

Inside seating 4 coffee & cake

Beer, Wine, Cake, Coffee all sold here

Ice cream too

Fachkliniken Hohenurach is a very nice facility with plenty of walking trails and a babbling brook. One can spot numerous flowers, squirrels, and plenty of birds while walking around outside. The patient rooms are spacious and each have a private bathroom and balcony with a lawn chair and clothes rack. There is a TV,  mini fridge, plenty of closet space, and a pretty comfortable bed with a remote for easy adjusting.

Room Key (Schlüssel)

I'm in room "303"

View from my balcony

Even the food here is delicious and there are four menu options each day for lunch (auf Deutsch= Mittagessen) with one being a vegetarian option. Breakfast (auf Deutsch: Frühstück) and dinner (auf Deutsch: Abendessen) are usually the same light meals: breads, meats, cheeses. The only complaint I have with breakfast and dinner is the time schedule:

Frühstück-7:00 Uhr- 8:30 Uhr

Mittag- 11:30 Uhr- 13:30 Uhr

Abend 1- 17:00 Uhr- 18:00 Uhr

Abend 2- 17:30 Uhr-18:15 Uhr

Dining Room II where I eat

Dining I & Breakfast Room

I was given "Abend 2" so I get to eat dinner between 5:30 and 6:15pm and sometimes my therapy runs into this time which sucks because I am picky about my meats and cheeses. I'm not a huge fan of German meats and I don't like cheese with spices in them so I try to get to dinner as early as possible. Lunch isn't a huge deal because there is always soup and salad and your meal option is served to you. I've skipped breakfast every morning, it's too early and sometimes my therapy begins at 7:45am. I have some granola bars and beef jerky in my room if I get hungry before lunch.

This way to "Therapy"

Therapy on second floor

Building where I have PT

Therapy

My daily routine consists of therapy sessions tailored to my back surgery. Each patient is given a booklet and we pick up schedules everyday from the reception desk where we have mailboxes. We meet with the doctors (auf Deutsch=Arzt) which are called "Professor" or, "chef" if they are the boss or chief doctor. 

Here is what my first week looked like: 

Monday, May 16, 2011

8:00-EKG

10:30- Warmepackung

11:30- Visit with Hr.Heisel, Prof.Dr. im Zimmer (auf Deutsch= room)

14:45- Elektrotherapie

17:30- Krankengymnastik

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

7:45- Blutabnahme nuchtern

8:15- Elektrotherapie

10:00- Massage

13:30- Relaxation Training

14:30- Krankengymnastik

15:50- Fahrradergometer

16:05- Weight Training

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

8:30- Warmepackung

10:30- Krankengymnastik

13:00- Visit with Hr.Heisel, Prof.Dr. im Zimmer

14:30- Bewegungsbad Wirbelsäule

15:30- Hydromassage (Hydro jet)

16:50- Fahrradergometer

17:05- Weight Training

Thursday, May 19, 2011

8:15- Elektrotherapie

9:15- Vortrag. Stressbewaltigung

10:30- Massage

11:30- Krankengymnastik

16:50- Fahrradergometer

17:05- Weight Training

Friday, May 20, 2011

7:45- Stangerbad

9:30- Visit with Hr.Heisel, Prof.Dr. im Zimmer

10:30- Warmepackung

12:30- Fahrradergometer

12:45- Weight Training

13:30- Hydromassage

14:00- Krankengymnastik

If the things listed above look a little confusing to you, imagine how I felt the first time I had to show up for these therapies. This place has 5 floors if you count "E," the bottom floor where we eat. Each therapy is in a different location (accept the bike ride and weight training) and in between it all we go to breakfast lunch and dinner at our designated times. The floors aren't exactly all in the same building either and sometimes I have to walk up or down stairs and then take the elevator to get where I need to be on time. I try to take the stairs as often as possible to get more exercise, even if that means going out of my way.

Here's what some of the therapies mean in English (loosely translated)

Warmepackung= Heat packs for my back, I'm wrapped up in blankets on a bed

Fahrradergometer= Stationary Bike ride

Krankengymnastik= Physical Therapy

Bewegungsbad Wirbelsäule = Group pool therapy

Waschküche =Laundry

Tea cart on every floor

Recycling on every floor

Advice: 

•  Don’t assume that when someone speaks to you in English, they mean what they say. When I went to my very first massage appointment I was asked to remove my shirt and sports bra; I was told, “lay on your bottom.” Since my back is where all the pain is I pointed to my back and said “lay on my back?” The man then said, “No I need to massage your back, lay on your bottom.” He was pointing to his stomach. 
• Get to dinner asap or all the good breads, meats, and cheeses will be gone 
• Bring a reusable water bottle to fill up at the stations on each floor for free. They will let you borrow one for 2 euro
• Know your weight and height in Kilograms and Centimeters
• Pack shower shoes and a bath robe
• You will need something to swim in
• Bring a German/English dictionary
• Bring a laptop, they charge a fee, I paid 45 euro for 21 days or something like that
• If you like to workout to music, pack your Ipod
• Pack a 220v fan in the Spring/Summer

Benches along the walking trails

Notes:

• Anyone with a key may or may not knock before coming in your room. I always keep the door locked unless I know a doctor is on the way. My first experience with this was rather annoying. It was my first full day here and someone was twisting my door handle to come in my room. Before I could get up and walk to the door, a man used a key and was opening my door just as I met him. He only spoke German and was very rude (he ended up being a doctor.) The next time someone knocked and then used a key to walk in was the house keeper. I didn't even know there was a housekeeper. They come every day to clean the room, mop the bathroom, take out the trash, and make the bed. As I’m typing this there was just a knock at the door. I called out, “Ein moment” which means “just a moment” because I am only wearing pants and a sports bra and would have liked to put a shirt on. The door flies open and in walks a nurse. THEY DO NOT CARE if you are naked, so my advice is either also don’t care, or try to always wear something. I don’t like to close the bathroom door when I use it, it’s hot in there and why should I have to; I’m the only one in my room. Now I lock the door when I pee so I can have some privacy if someone decides to just walk in my room. 
• Parking costs 2 euro a day in the garage. You must prepay at the reception desk and they will assign you a spot number and give you a card to slide into the entrance slot each time you drive back into the garage
• They sell all kinds of things such as beer and wine, ice cream, cakes, snacks, German magazines, and some toiletries in the shop on the "E" floor 
• Each room has a small safe and you get a key 
• There is a self-serve tee station on each floor with about 10 different tees and two types of sweetener
• There is a hair salon on the 4th floor
• They offer in-house pedicures for 17 euros

Words to learn auf Deutsch: 

Pflaster=Band-Aid
Treppenhaus=Stair Well

Fahrrad=Bicycle

Rucken=Back (as in, your back)

Vortrag=Lecture (and it will be auf Deutsch)

Zimmer=Room

Liebe,

Mandy