Welcome to my Blog, I'm glad you stopped by. I thought a little introduction was in order after I reviewed some Blogs of others and didn't have a clue what it was their Blog was about even after reading the last several posts. Not that it matters, if you like what I write, read on, if not, no harm no foul.
I began writing again after one of my grad classes last summer inspired me to do so. It was a class on the world famous author, Stephen King and it was incredible. In 2011 I received my Master of Arts in Liberal Studies degree from the University of North Carolina Wilmington. My undergraduate degree is also from UNCW in Sociology with a minor in Gerontology which I obtained in 2005.
A lot has changed since I began writing this Blog in 2010. I am rediscovering who it is that I am and what makes me happy. Feel free to read through from the beginning and see where I have come from and continue to follow along as I begin a new chapter in my life, one that proves to be interesting and filled with exciting challenges that I can't wait to share with the World. So for now, "Das ist Leben"...this is life!
Could I have imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be "here" on my thirtieth birthday? Where is "here," you ask? Well, I'll tell you. "Here" is happy, surrounded by friends and family, without a husband, without a job, but not without purpose, dreams, or desires. "Here" is different from where I was a year ago, and the same will be true a year from now. "Here" is fixed, but still in need of repair. It's not whole, but full of the pieces that matter. Making my own choices, following my heart, getting to know who I am, and making memories to last a lifetime. "Here" is the true, real me, the one who is in search of my personal legend and enjoying the journey along the way.
Phrases I contemplate on a regular basis, thanks to the amazing people in my life:
Let your light shine- Laura
Everything eventually ends (Alles hat ein Ende nur die Wurst hat zwei)- Jerey
Happiness is a state of mind -Charlie
Just keep going (living, running, dancing, laughing, etc.)- Ena
Be on time for plans with friends- Shari
Beer can make blue skies out of gray- Lisa
God has a plan- Mom
Everything happens for a reason- Kristen
Young love is intoxicating- Ryan & McKenzie :)
Don't sweat the small stuff- Dad
Fist pumping through life
If I could talk to my 20 year old self, what would I say?
Study for the GRE and start your Masters program in social work while you're still in college mode.
Eat healthy now!
Don't date Marines :)
Pray daily
Save money for the future
On December 14th 2007, don't take Western Blvd (to prevent the car accident that destroyed my back)
Take as many vacations as you can
Spend more time with your family
Get a puppy
If I really could change my past, there are actually few things I would change. I learned so much from the good times and the bad. I think we have to hurt in order to grow and learn from our mistakes so we can appreciate the great times in life. God does have a plan and it may not always seem clear, but have faith and I believe things will fall into place some day.
Thank you to all of you who continue to be there for me as I enter this new decade. It's gonna be one hell of a ride!
I haven't really been in much of a writing mood lately but I decided to chime in at least once before January comes to a close.
Nov 5th 2011
I've been searching for a job, spending time with my family, going to the gym, and really putting in some quality drinking time with my girls. I'm trying to read this book called "The Shack" that a good friend in Germany gave me before I left, but I can't bring myself to stick with it. She said it really helped her after her divorce because it teaches you about forgiveness. The problem I'm having is, I'm not ready to feel forgiving. Screw it, it'll come in its own time. I know God wants me to forgive and I am fighting Him too; I'm just not ready to forgive Matt or myself right now. This is only causing stress in my own life, I know this. I don't sleep well and I can't figure out what my next move is going to be as far as my future. I have zero faith in marriage and I don't trust men...don't care. This is who I am today, not necessarily who I'll be tomorrow. I know one day I'll be in a forgiving mood but I have to conquer my own stubbornness first.
Kristen, Ena, Me, Shari (Dec 31, 2011)
On the positive side, I'm ready to go back to church and find a new church home. I think I'll start this Sunday. I only hope I can make it through service without crying. I don't know when I stopped seeking answers from the one who will never let me down, but I'm ready to put my life back in the right hands and find my truth north again. As my BFFITWWW says, "Let your light shine."
Me with Laura (Nov 2011) in Germany
If it weren't for my amazing family and my crazy ass girlfriends who I consider my sisters, I would be worse off than I am right now. I wouldn't get out of bed and I wouldn't eat...actually that doesn't sound too bad ;P I love that I have a close group of sexy ladies who are just as "messed up" as I am. They make me feel "normal" when we get together and talk about drama. It doesn't matter who you are, you have drama. It just matters how you deal with it and who you let it affect.
Me, Ena, Kayda (Jan 2012)
I'm so thankful for the way I've been handling myself since I left Germany, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I truly love myself and I don't want to be someone who I won't like in a month or two. This is probably the most "real" I've ever been in my life. I am honest with everyone I talk to, and I am really "there" for my friends in a way that I've not been able to be before. I may be without someone to sleep with at night, but I am not without true friends to laugh with and strong shoulders to lean on; this is what makes life worth living.
So after being together for five years and married for three...my husband wants a divorce. My entire life is about to be flipped upside down and I have no control over the roller coaster ride I've just been put on. I'm devastated; I don't know what to think or feel most of the time.
Our Recessional Song
I'll be moving back to North Carolina and staying with my parents for a while but this is just nuts. I NEVER expected to kiss another man in my life after Matt. I love him and I wish I could "fix" us, or change his mind but we've tried everything: talking to each other over and over again, marriage counseling (two different times), and of course he's talked to several "friends" who have given him (wonderful) advice on what to do. Apparently, I'm just not making him happy, and according to him it's been for about a year now...or longer depending on his mood when he talks about it. I'm seeing my own "professionals" now, and working on making myself happy most of the time...it's not easy. I loved being his wife and I loved being married to him. I had no idea he was thinking about divorce until July when he mentioned something about me living life as though I could never lose him...wtf???
I guess the details of his decision are really nobody's business, unfortunately they don't even make sense to me so fuck it...you can think whatever you want. There are three sides to every story, right? As far as I know, nobody cheated, and there was no 'physical' abuse...
I've already lost several people whom I thought were my friends; I'm sure there will be more drama to come. We will be legally separated for one year at the least once we get paperwork started (he decided to take leave for 3 weeks just before a holiday and then when he gets home, asks me when I'm getting out of here.) At that point in time we are legally eligible for a divorce...or things could all fall back into "Happily Ever After." NOT BLOODY LIKELY! Or we could be separated until death...the thought crosses my mind from time to time since I'm a Christian, I don't believe in divorce.
At least I look hot ;P
I am finding it very difficult to trust people these days...anyone else? P.S. If you are not my true friend, please stay out of my drama...we all have enough of our own and I really just need my real friends right now. Some of you who have been, and/or are going through what I'm going through know what I mean.
Trust
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. confident expectation of something; hope.
3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
Our Wedding Song 09-20-2008
I feel like the last five years of my life was all for nothing, I was a happily married woman who was on a journey through life with her best friend, the man of her dreams. WOW, was I wrong!
Over the past few months (or years according to him) my husband and I have been unable to make things "right." I know I am not without blame but I've begged and I've pleaded for another chance, I've cried and cried and cried and cried some more. I love him so much but he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore and there is nothing else I can do to make him stay.
I'm not going to air my dirty laundry but I wanted to post some songs that seem to fit my mood and situation depending on the moment these days.
Going to the gym and spending time with Brady, our Poodle make me the happiest and almost help me to forget my entire life is crashing down around me.
I may be the worlds most allergic-to-animals person on the planet, but when I first looked into the tiny brown eyes of a Poodle named Brady, I was smitten.
Brady Lyman
Because my husband grew up with more pets than I could even count, he has been trying to get me to agree to getting a pet since we met. My darling husband likes cats about as much as Angela from the hit TV show, The Office which is a major turn off to me because I would rather have a pet poisonous spider or a rabid monkey than a cat.
I am so allergic to cats that even the sight of them turns my stomach...weird, huh? They make me sneeze if I get too close and if I am around them for more than five minutes, I start to itch and my eyes water so bad that I can no longer see out of them. I am allergic to dogs, rabbits and hamsters too, but cats are my kryptonite.
First bath
I've done enough research to know that there are several breeds of dogs that I would most likely be able to one day own without worrying about having an allergic reaction. We have talked about getting an Airedale Terrier in the past but we agreed that our current home was way too small and since we don't have a yard, our poor dog wouldn't get the exercise he needed. It looked like we would have to wait until we moved back to the states and had a house before we got a dog.
All clean!
Then our friend Chelle posted a message on Facebook about her frustration with a Toy Poodle that was driving her and their tiny Yorkie crazy. She and her husband Keith were originally only supposed to watch Brady for a few months until his owners received orders back to Germany. The Marine Corps doesn't always work out the way we "plan" and so they were not going to be coming back to Germany after all, leaving Brady with the Granberry's for good. The Granberry's loved Brady but they already had a small dog named Cooper who was constantly having to compete with Brady for attention.
Exploring Germany
Matt messaged Chelle and said, "we want Brady!" Since I knew I wouldn't be allergic to him, we decided to go meet him one day. The rest is history in the making; that little dog is our baby and we love him to pieces!
Brady just turned two on June 25th, also Matt's birthday. He is an Apricot, Toy Poodle and we are his fifth family (four of which have been Marine Corps!)...we will be his last!
I'm happy that I was able to go home this past weekend but for crying out loud, it's been quite a whirlwind since last Friday. First, Matt picked me up with Brady, our new Toy Poodle who is just the cutest little guy and the three of us went over to our friend's house, the Granberry's. Chelle made an amazing dinner and I got to meet our friend Dane's Mom, Leona who was visiting from Washington State. We got home kind of late but Matt had some laundry to do because he needed to pack for his upcoming TAD trip on Monday. He'll be gone for five weeks, visiting three-four different countries. Poor thing, his ECU classes started back up this past week so he won't have much free time.
Brady and his Pluto
On Saturday, I met up with Chelle, Charece, Jenny, Leona, and April to shop at the Flea Market on Panzer. We had a lot of fun and I found a few great bargains. Matt ran some errands while I was shopping and when we met back up we headed over to the Commissary, Shoppette, and then Breuningerland for some cigars before heading over to our friend Warren's house for a cookout. Warren will be moving back to the states soon so we wanted to see him before he left. He grilled some beef while I sliced strawberries & watermellon. I also brought over chicken drum sticks which I marinated in this delicious Caribbean Jerk, and some potatoes for the grill. Our dinner was so yummy, I love grilling! It even rained and hailed on us while we were in the middle of grilling but we didn't care. It was after 9:00 by the time we left and Matt made plans with our friend Jocelyn to catch a ride with her in the morning to Ramstein so he could make his 3:00pm flight.
Cullen, Warren, Matt
I was not a happy camper, all I wanted was some time alone with my husband before he left for five weeks and I really didn't get it at all this weekend! When Sunday night rolled around I was so depressed and to top it off I had to change my own bandages so I could shower and I had to carry all my stuff down four stories with a scared dog who didn't want to leave. If you've ever tried to put a bandage on your lower back using a mirror, you know, it's not easy!
I dropped Brady off at Chelle's and we chatted for a while before I drove back to Bad Urach. It started raining and that's when I remembered how bad the windshield wiper blades are on my car, and then I ran out of washer fluid. When I arrived at my rehab facility it was 9:30 but nobody was at the reception desk. I took my bags to my room and then tried to park my car in the garage but it wouldn't let me in so I had to park up the hill in a four hour parking zone and just prayed I wouldn't get a ticket.
Sometimes life sucks; so you go to bed, pray you get another shot at it in the morning, and thank God when you wake up. It could always be worse. I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes the negatives just stand out so much more.
This is an excerpt from my HCG diet "manual" and is very interesting. It makes sense if you think about it...overweight women are more likely to eat compulsively, maybe it's because they aren't having enough sex. What if they are married and their husbands no longer act attracted to them? I'm not saying it's an excuse but if a woman is already overweight and she isn't getting "any" she is more likely to turn to food for "comfort" or "love." It sounds spot on to me!
Compulsive Eating
No end of injustice is done to obese patients by accusing them of compulsive eating, which is a form of diverted sex-gratification. Most obese patients do not suffer from compulsive eating; they suffer genuine hunger - real, gnawing, torturing hunger - which has nothing whatever to do with compulsive eating. Even their sudden desire for sweets is merely the result of the experience that sweets, pastries and alcohol will most rapidly of all foods allay the pangs of hunger. This has nothing to do with diverted instincts.
On the other hand, compulsive eating does occur in some obese patients, particularly in girls in their late teens or early twenties. Compulsive eating differs fundamentally from the obese patient’s greater need for food. It comes on in attacks and is never associated with real hunger, a fact which is readily admitted by the patients. They only feel a feral desire to stuff. Two pounds of chocolates may be devoured in a few minutes; cold, greasy food from the refrigerator, stale bread, leftovers on stacked plates, almost anything edible is crammed down with terrifying speed and ferocity.
I have occasionally been able to watch such an attack without the patient's knowledge, and it is a frightening, ugly spectacle to behold, even if one does realize that mechanisms entirely beyond the patient's control are at work. A careful inquiry into what may have brought on such an attack almost invariably reveals that it is preceded by a strong unresolved sexstimulation, the higher centers of the brain having blocked primitive diencephalic instinct gratification. The pressure is then let off through another primitive channel, which is oral gratification. In my experience the only thing that will cure this condition is uninhibited sex, a therapeutic procedure which is hardly ever feasible, for if it were, the patient would have adopted it without professional prompting, nor would this in any way correct the associated obesity. It would only raise new and often greater problems if used as a therapeutic measure.
Patients suffering from real compulsive eating are comparatively rare. In my practice they constitute about 1-2%. Treating them for obesity is a heartrending job. They do perfectly well between attacks, but a single bout occurring while under treatment may annul several weeks of therapy. Little wonder that such patients become discouraged. In these cases I have found that psychotherapy may make the patient fully understand the mechanism, but it does nothing to stop it. Perhaps society's growing sexual permissiveness will make compulsive eating even rarer.
Whether a patient is really suffering from compulsive eating or not is hard to decide before treatment because many obese patients think that their desire for food - to them unmotivated - is due to compulsive eating, while all the time it is merely a greater need for food. The only way to find out is to treat such patients. Those that suffer from real compulsive eating continue to have such attacks, while those who are not compulsive eaters never get an attack during treatment.
I'm no doctor but it sounds like we should all be getting it on regularly!
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